Frustrating Family planning (life rant)

"Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero" (sampsonite24)
10/17/2018 at 19:00 • Filed to: None

One 3 year old, 4 cats and a dog. That’s how many living things are in this house besides me and my wife. I’m perfectly content with that. I love my son and even though he’s tests my patience on a daily basis I wouldn’t trade him for the world. But lately my wife wants to add another.

We lost her mom to cancer back in June, we actually lost an unplanned pregnancy in August due to it being ectopic and her sister is pregnant with a baby girl. All of these have lead to my wife wanting a baby girl of our own. Which I’d be fine with if science was at a place where you could pick the gender, but it’s not. So I’m looking up vasectomy costs because the thought of having a second boy causes massive panic attacks. And I don’t know how to tell her that without her spiraling even further into the depression she’s already in. So I’m at a loss.

Anyway thanks for listening

DISCUSSION (26)

RPM esq. > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero
10/17/2018 at 19:20

While I agree that another mouth to feed is not likely to make a depressed person (her) less depressed or an anxious person (you) less anxious, just more busy, a s urprise vasectomy seems like an awfully permanent solution to a possibly temporary problem. Maybe start with, like, a condom.

nermal > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero
10/17/2018 at 19:21

If you get snipped without telling her in advance, she’s gonna divorce you. Don’t do that.

At the same time, if she’s depressed, simply adding another baby won’t fix that.

Help her get her issues cleared up first , then if she still wants another, get to baby makin’. Easier said than done, but at least you get to participate in the baby makin’.

Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero > nermal
10/17/2018 at 19:25

Oh God no. Getting snipped is kind of a both of us decision. That's not something I'd do myself. Besides she would question why I'm off of work for 3 days icing my groin

Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero > RPM esq.
10/17/2018 at 19:28

Lol well we have been using them since she had to go off her birth control because of the extopic pregnancy. But before that we had been talking about me getting snipped it's just a sore spot to talk about now. On the bright side if I do it by the end of the year insurance will cover 85 percent of it.

vicali > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero
10/17/2018 at 19:30

Kinja'd!!!

Yeah, don’t snip until everyone is onboard.

Sounds like she’s having a rough year, take care of her for a few more months .. Wait until sister has a crying baby around and everyone is exhausted and then hold it and see?

We have a 7yro son and a 5 yro daughter, and a dog. I will say the second is easier - it’s hard to break stuff twice..

Chuckles > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero
10/17/2018 at 19:39

My girlfriend’s cousin was “trying for a girl.” They had 5 boys before she gave birth to a girl.

If you want a second child, that’s great as long as your wife understands that simply wanting a girl doesn’t make you more likely to have a girl. The only way to be sure you get a girl is to adopt a girl.

You mentioned the recent unplanned pregnancy. What was your first reaction when you found out she was pregnant? What was hers?

shop-teacher > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero
10/17/2018 at 19:52

Stick with the condoms for a while longer. It doesn't sound like either of you are in a good position to make a major life decisions eight now.

Phyrxes once again has a wagon! > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero
10/17/2018 at 19:52

We have a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a cat all acting as agents of chaos in my house. We decided that two was enough and medically closed up shop after the second kiddo was born. In the words of a former coworker, if you can still play man defense against the kids its manageable but once you have to switch to zone its a whole different ball game.

Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero > Chuckles
10/17/2018 at 19:53

Panic stricken. I'm definitely on the ok with only 1 boat. She initially was panicked but by the time we learned it was extopic she was starting to get excited and was left heartbroken that it had to be terminated

Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero > Phyrxes once again has a wagon!
10/17/2018 at 19:55

Thats a pretty good analogy haha

Chuckles > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero
10/17/2018 at 20:01

It’s certainly a tough situation. It’s important that you two are on the same page. If she wants a girl and you have a boy, will she want to try again? And again? Having another child is only the right choice if you are totally fine with whatever the outcome may be.

Th e way you felt when she was pregnant before is completely valid. Maybe she didn’t know that you were anxious.

If you want some additional input, I’d be happy to share your post to GT (where we do Fur Face Friday). There are some wise folks over there who might have more insight.

jimz > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero
10/17/2018 at 20:06

heh, yeah, you don’t get to choose. when I was born the first thing my mom said was “my poor mother-in-law.”

Backstory- my dad has three brothers, him being second oldest. His oldest brother sprogged first, with a son. His mother (my grandma) was hoping that my mom and dad would “give” her a granddaughter. But no, here I come along carrying ye old twig ‘n’ berries. Then my uncle has a second kid, another future swingin’ dick. then about 6-7 months later, my sister arrives (“Finally!”) then another uncle of mine has two sons.

Must be something in the water.

wafflesnfalafel > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero
10/17/2018 at 20:56

When we got married I wanted one, my wife wanted three and after 20 years we ended up with zero, (very long story...) But my sister-in-law has a son and a younger daughter (plus one cat, an Outback, a old 4Runner and a Honda Element,) and they honestly seem to be the happiest, well adusted little family I have ever known.

OPPOsaurus WRX > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero
10/17/2018 at 21:10

o your screwed. U getting at least one more child. Now I must go because one of my children must GET BACK INTO BED NOW!!!!!!!!!!

(2) 6 y/o girls

(1) 22 month boy

i think the cat is still alive, but shes been hiding in the closet since the day we brought the girls home.

OPPOsaurus WRX > Phyrxes once again has a wagon!
10/17/2018 at 21:11

this is the truth right here. zone defense is hard. I’m terrified for the day when they can launch coordinated attacks.

OPPOsaurus WRX > Chuckles
10/17/2018 at 21:12

i read ‘what was hers’ as ‘was it yours’ oops.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero
10/17/2018 at 21:17

Pardon the unpopular opinion, but if you don’t want a second kid, do not have a second kid to appease your wife. She must take your feelings into account, too. Also, playing the gender odds is a fool’s game. And c onsider the ramifications if she has yet another problematic pregnancy...

someassemblyrequired > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero
10/17/2018 at 22:01

I wouldn’t fear a second boy, it’s crazy but they do tend to look out for each other even though they mess up your stuff and get in to trouble .

That being said, it sounds like it’s just time to take a few months to recover from a tough summer. A new kid is definitely not a treatment for depression.

Is your wife home with the 3yr old during the day? Having done that for a few years (my wife was traveling a ton when our second was younger), it’s not a great headspace, especially when you have a lot on your mind . I started volunteering, going to the gym and pretty much leaving the house for any reason just to keep my head on straight.

Future Heap Owner > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero
10/17/2018 at 22:16

Totally out of my depth here but, consider: only kids are sorta weird.

Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero > someassemblyrequired
10/17/2018 at 22:22

No we both work full time jobs so my son is in daycare/preschool 4 days a week. Which means another kid would double that cost

Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero > wafflesnfalafel
10/17/2018 at 22:26

When we started dating I wanted two and she didn't want any. When we got married we both wanted at least one and when that happened after a while we both agreed one was enough. Then this summer happened. And now it's depressing both of us. I'm hoping we get on the same page again soon

someassemblyrequired > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero
10/17/2018 at 22:28

Ugh yeah, that can be huge. You only want one daycare bill at a time.

Chuckles > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
10/17/2018 at 23:24

“T rying for a girl” is like flipping a coin and trying for heads.

And I fully agree with your opinion. Everybody needs to be on the same page about how many kids you want. More people should talk about that early in the relationship. It's not as simple as "well she wants two so we're having two."

Chuckles > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero
10/17/2018 at 23:28

Good luck getting back on the same page. It seems like it’s a very emotional decision. Maybe you could get your wife to agree to wait another 6 months or a year and then you both try to approach it with a clearer mind. If having a second child is the right decision now, it'll still be the right decision in 6 months.

AdverseMartyr > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero
10/18/2018 at 04:23

If it helps you aren’t alone in “the have one, not at all sure (interested) in another one” group.

I have a 3 year old son as well, and to get there we went through 1 ruptured ectopic (never have medical care done in Kona, Hawaii), 1 ectopic surgically removed, and my wife developed preclampsia with our son which resulted in an early birth to save him and her , her almost flatlining (blood pressure pretty much disappeared, and her heart...paused, I guess), and she bled a kilogram of clots before they figured out why the bleeding wouldn’t stop.

She wants another child. I’m not sure after 3 near death experiences that I want to even consider risking it. similar to you it brings me close to a panic attack when we talk about it.

Long_Voyager, Now With More Caravanny Goodness > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero
10/18/2018 at 07:12

Talk to her about it.

Hiding things never ends well.

That being said, why does having another child scare you so badly?